Bad Habits...

I don't need to feel that I need to prove something to anybody. I just need to feel like myself, and find out how to do that is the most challenging part.

That's generally what I have been telling myself for a while. It just may take a while to kick in, because I'm trying to break a life time of bad habits.

I may have to do something crazy to become truly happy.

I didn't know who I was until now...I shun it away.

So, looking around the peers I had who share the same artistic interests as me, was a great, but hurtful day.

I wish I could have shown these people how much more friendship I wanted, and didn't work for at all this semester. In that respect, I have failed. But I have learned so much about myself.

I need to know how to show my true feelings towards people, and not think that I am protecting myself from hiding anything. That goes for every person in my entire life. And I saw that through some certain people around me who inspire me to release this god forsaken shell that has prevented so many new friendships for me. I regret a lot in that respect, but I have learned a lot about myself, and the true self that wants to shine out of me.

A letter to myself.

Dear Jaime,

Think of it this way, at least most of your wake-up calls about being "who you are" occurred the first semester of freshman year. The beginning of your semester was very similar to your singing audition today; you were perfectly calm, just waiting to do your thing, like most people. Then you go, and you realize you make one fluke of a mistake, and your whole world falls apart, and you regret ever living that day. You started out freshman year believing in yourself, making plans to make a lot of friends, but then you just got lost. Like most new things, you get lost. Why? Well, I guess it all comes down to just being yourself. No one on this entire campus knows who you truly are. You didn't let that happen for yourself. You were so worried and self-conscious about yourself the entire semester, that you let worries get the best out of you, and boy do you take things seriously, and that's half because you value friendship and warmth and support a lot. Who doesn't want that? Now, I understand that it was challenging considering you are not the type of person to trust, you are scared of judgements, so much that you protect yourself constantly but staying in your little shell, and nobody knows you. Nobody. And who do you spend time with? Random people you catch to spend time with, tag a long for a bit, than get lost again in space and time. What do you do to make yourself feel better? You do this: you write about yourself and hope that this will at least be for the better. You would not have been so depressed about myself, if you didn't hold back. What have you been doing your entire life? Holding back. What has it caused you to do? Hold back, even when you WANT to reach out. Yup. And now, you don't even know who your true companions are, because you didn't learn to trust anyone, and so nobody has trusted you. And now you feel empty. You feel kind of pathetic, because of how socially inept you have become, partly because you know it didn't have to be that way. And this audition, right....about that, it honestly wasn't that bad, but you know it didn't have to be like that. You practiced and practiced, and overlooked one little thing, finding your note in the beginning, that one little fluke that threw you off the whole damn song because you were so busy over-thinking the mistake. You HAVE to let mistakes go, and just learn from them. Okay, so as of now, making a first good impression isn't your forte, because first encounters are you weakest point in life. From all of these experiences, I have one thing to say to you. Keep being as diligent as you are, but stop over-thinking. Don't overanalyze every second of your life, it wasn't meant to be. That will stop half the problem. The next part of the problem, is just BE YOURSELF, don't try to live up to expectations of people. Don't try to become somebody your not, listen to your impulses and instincts. Listen to yourself more, and love yourself more. You know who you can be because you feel it inside you every day, but it never shows. Now, it might be a little challenging to reach out and become who you want to be, but at least you have learned a life lesson. Please work on it, no, that's the wrong word, just relax and listen to your instincts. Or you will always be lost in this convoluted world. Accept your weaknesses, let them pass, and thrive more in your strengths, and let them show, don't be modest, because that only looks like weakness. Feel, don't think. God damnit, let yourself feel. You know you want it in your subconscious, and your letting those inner demons get to you. Put those aside. Life is not worth living unless you become who you truly are. You will love life so much more. You feel better now though, don't you? This may be a process, because you will fall back into your bad habits. But from now on, make a vow that you will stay conscious about only one thing: being yourself. Feel. Trust your instincts and impulses. Love life more. Don't over-think. That's all life is worth living for. You will feel less empty. A lot less empty. Don't forget this voice. This is an important voice that you have stored away for far too long. You know your potential, so let it be. That's the only way you can make it in this business anyway. Until you find that, you can't go forward. You will always stay in one place. And your too good for that, and you know you won't be satisfied. Breathe, enjoy life the way you want to. Please. Every day, from now on.

Okay, time to put this into action now.

overcompensation cont.

And the other day, after breaking down in acting out of mere frustration that has been building up, I went to my room and just RELEASED tension I have felt for months, years. I kept repeating things like

"I can't go on like this. Feeling this way."

"I can, I know I can, but I can't"

" I can't even say the word that I'm afraid of "

I really couldn't say the word that I am so afraid of. And that is self-conscious. I don't want to admit that I am that word. Because it has haunted me for far too long. It's something I tend to be that I wish was not a part of me.

Like hating your brown eyes so thinking of getting blue contacts to hide it, cover it up, conceal it from the rest of the world. Disguising like crazy.

But hey, I suppose a lot of people can feel all these feelings too. I don't know. I haven't let myself discover people enough i suppose. But, i just don't want to be judged. And, I want to understand people on deep levels. I want to have support. i just need to follow my advice, and be who I am, and not expect anything. When i think that, I am a lot happier.

Overcompensation

overcompensation: to react to a real or imagined physical or psychological defect with a conscious or unconscious exaggerated drive to compensate for it...sounds a lot like me

I feel that I have made that so much a part of me, that I can't even be what I want to be.

I guess the craft of acting can certainly be taken over into reality for my own good, I need to get out of my head, and just let myself sense and FEEL things spontaneously so I can just LET GO and let people in.

I want to let people in, I just don't know how. But the problem is, that I realized, is that I can't really accept myself, so I am not letting others accept me.

I can't accept my flaws sometimes, and then I over-analyze them and try to compensate for them, and then I can't be vulnerable about them in front of anyone, because it is way too frightening. I am completely terrified of being judged, especially being a newbie at a school with people who all don't know me truly enough.

But I can't go on living life like this. I can't go on without having good friendships. And sometimes my perception is off. I have tons of peers who are kind and like me for who I am, but I just can't learn to approach them, and since I feel I can't be accepted, they don't think I want to be accepted.

And then I over-analyze that, and become so overwhelmed with my struggles that I simply give up. And then feel completely empty inside.

Like I can't find anyone to be with, I can't find any support. I realized how much I need support. Really. But I learn from my mistakes and my efforts to over-compensate for myself all the time, I need to accept my flaws and accept my mistakes, and get out of my head, and just feel. I'm good at feeling, I feel things all the time. Deeply and powerfully. I am completely ready to dive that energy into my craft, and hopefully let it happen in my social life as well, or I won't find what I want.

I feel better now that I have realized the problem. And my entire perception of life is altered from one second to the next. Sometimes my conscious just loves to overpower my sub-conscious. I have to stop over-compensating for myself, protecting myself constantly, because now it is ironically worsening my self-esteem and feelings of vulnerability.

I've always over-compensated in school, and now I'm learning to over-compensate to hide my flaws, which is my slow mind, and my feelings and thoughts, that sometimes seem so different from people around me, which is why I keep them inside all the time. That sounded so cheesy. But that's my fear: of looking cheesy. I need to accept that my true feelings make me who I am, and I would be a lot happier and satisfied with myself if I let my cheesiness or whatever you want to call it fall where they may.

And I over-analyze everything about my thoughts and feelings. Because I take judgments of those thoughts and feelings to heart more than I should. Too sensitive and terribly frightened of being hurt by others. It's hard for me not to care about what others think, especially if I have some kind of respect for them. But as Dr. Seuss says, be who you are, because the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.

By God that is all I can do, that is all any of us ever can do. I want to love, I want to let myself feel things, and not hide it anymore. That's why I need to let go of my protective shield, and break through the window where I can see the sun that I've been longing to feel against my cheek.

I know, I just made this entry really figurative. I like to use figurative language sometimes.

The thing is, today I had a breakdown about this, in the middle of a rehearsal. A breakdown, the same day that I was completely overwhelmed with trying to work out my registering for classes and tons and tons of work that I was trying so hard to have under control. Do these instances have any connection? Overcompensation plus overcompensation? Trying to be in control of everything that my screw me up and afraid to see how far it would screw me up since I can make mistakes a lot easier than most average people? Yes, this is the answer of why. I feel that I have a right to feel this way. The only thing is I let it affect me like crazy. Like, it affects my confidence level to communicate to anyone about anything. Even trying to be friendly. Why do I think being friendly is awkward? Because I feel vulnerable? Yes, afraid that I will have nothing good to say, afraid of looking like a lonesome freak if I say hi, appearing a way I don’t want to appear in front of people. And overcompensate myself to solve those problems, in which case doesn’t solve them, avoids the problems. I need to just let them be up front to people, and people will start accepting me more. If I don’t let people in, they won’t let me in. And it shouldn’t feel like am obligation to let people in like it has, I should just let myself simply be, and expect nothing. This is what I have therapeutically told myself.

Health tip of the day: structuring of yourself

So, at least when I look back on this journal, I completely agree with everything I said.

So I am making some progress on myself here. I am at least formulating ideas independently from other people's opinions and perspectives. I mean, of course it is based off of others actions I have witnessed, but the thoughts put down are all formulated through my own head.

Some self-structuring...some self-discovery is healthy for everyone.

Life is all about perception.

So I just realized something:

People's way of determining another person's personality is solely based only on the way that other person acts in comparison to their own personality. And if they have a strong one that persists on being agreed with, you can't really be that insightful on the other person's true way of thinking.

For example, someone who is really, really agitated by certain people thinks that a person who just accepts, is just careless. And that's their entire perception of that person.

When that could be completely wrong or just the tip of the iceberg.

Everyone is persuaded by their perceptions. Feelings can lie to you, until you can really put yourself in someone else's shoes and become insightful on that person's true self. One of the hardest things for human beings. At least in my experience.

Except for those who are paid to do it.

Every human being has layers. As an actor, I try to discover all those layers and portray it in the color of my voice and the effort of my movement.

I was told that in order for people not to persecute me or create mockery of me because of my actions, I know now that I need not get too defensive as a way of protecting myself.

And I also need not shut down to protect myself. I should practice being comfortable just being who I am.

What helps me the most is just looking at the other person's perspective, and thinking, well yes, since they do not know me that well, they don't know my strengths and weaknesses as a person, and so they are just naturally reacting to what I appear to be from the outside.

That's what bugs me a lot. How I always feel like I have to keep proving myself to people since they don't know me that well, but I guess I am going to have to get used to that because that's what the theater business is all about; constantly proving yourself worthy of others' attention.

But there is a difference between that in the professional world and just in the social world. I mean more of the social world.

A lot of people are very, very judgmental sometimes. And I am not at all. Really, I'm not compared to what I hear about others all the time. It's just not my choice to point out people's flaws unless they are directly affecting me negatively. And this causes me not to trust people right away, if I see that they talk about other people like that with me. And that's partially what will hold me back. And so I act differently around different people. All basically because I mold to the person I am with, and bring out a side of me that would complement their personality.

But should I always feel like a mold to everyone else?

I think I need to find a balance. Yes, balance is my word. Balance to me is where I should always aim for, because it is satisfying and healthy to balance. I need to find a balance between what I want to express, and what I should say to improve my surroundings instead of myself. But, I mean, everyone has to do that at some point or another; we all are restricted by our society's customs and ways of thinking what is appropriate and what is not.

My acting professor said that our society is against a lot of public displays of emotion, and that is one reason why we create so much tension within our bodies. And it's true, I think. We don't find ways to release and without releasing tension, naturally, our bodies need to find at least some way to shake it off or the body will suffer.

And that is the primary reason why I record in this journal, because I need to release what is going on in my mind onto a real, concrete substance so that I know that what I'm thinking in my head makes at least some sense in the reality of my life instead of just in my head.

Basically this weekend, I learned that I need to be less defensive, and rather offensive I guess; apologize when you have to for yourself, explain yourself when need be, and express yourself when need be as well. And not get too sensitive about something that in the opposite person's perspective was just a fluke of human nature. Because they probably won't ever think twice about what the say anyway. Me, on the other hand, always conscious of what words I spew out.

And when I'm not, I risk the factor of looking foolish, which is sometimes not too bad of a position to be in sometimes, because then you show people that you are not afraid to be vulnerable. I like people like that.

Everyone has their flaws which make them insecure in our public part of our society. No one likes to be judged, and everyone who does judge is only insecure about certain things in themselves.

So...a bit of advice...BUST THE FLOOR- NEVER LOOK BACK. Because the people who matter don't mind.

Who Will Love Me As I Am?

Like a fish plucked from the ocean

Tossed into a foreign stream

Always knew that I was different

Often fled into a dream

I ignored the raging current

Right against the tide I swam

But I floated with the question

Who will love me as I am?

Like an odd exotic creature

On display inside a zoo

Hearing children asking questions

Makes me ask some questions too

Could we bend the laws of nature?

Could a lion love a lamb?

Who could see beyond this surface?

Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?

Send me flowers or a telegram?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

Like a clown whose tears cause laughter

Trapped inside the center ring

Even seeing smiling faces

I am lonely pondering

Who would want to join this madness?

Who would change my monogram?

Who will be part of my circus?

Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?

Send me flowers or a telegram?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

That Fine Line

You know how I wrote that I could feel my future ahead of me?

Well, I can. I can feel it. It's gray though.

You know why?

heh....that fundamental question right? why....

It's because I can't cross that fine line, between living in the false or living in the TRUTH.

I need to just let myself live in MY TRUTH.

Why...again...can't I do that?

Because...all my life...I've chosen to be safe, and live in the false. But now I want the truth.

I need it to become the person inside me.

And the reason I'm not is because I was scared by society.

ART

Art is for the things in life that are hidden from us,

that are not mentioned,

that we are in denial of,

that we are afraid of: the truth.

ART: To express those things that everybody knows, but doesn't explain.

You, Art, represent the unmentioned by

expressing the raw truths. Our raw truths. Good or bad.

At least from my perspective.

I should think of my own craft for acting as my way to analyze all the things that go on in my head, and what is the best way to express those. It is definitely self-discovery process, with the product of performance. Therapeutic development and training that evolves into art.

Connecting with another actor on the same level is also a very powerful tool. It feels overwhelmingly enlightening and surreal. Your heart races and your mind is sharp.

All the world needs now ... is confidence, sweet confidence.

Intimidation is the perception downfall of my life...

Don't let it happen to you.

In order to cleanse myself for being timid, I think about the perception of the other person, what they got from me. Enough ? or not enough?

People can't see right through, even though I think they can.

I need to learn to let people in without feeling violated or embarrassed.

Acceptance...big word to me.

You know, there are many kinds of people out in the world. Funny, sad, cynical, strange, sick, perverted, contemplative, intuitive, real, lazy, introverted, extroverted, crazy, sensitive, positive. Whatever it is, it's really not for you to change. You can guide them to a happier life for themselves, but you don't make the choices. But even so, you still have to accept things. Acceptance is a big word for me to embrace, because its about accepting what is realistic, and living in harmony with that, whether it means not being grumpy at someone who mentions something you don't like, or just asking someone if they need something extra that day. As long as you accept what's there, maybe then we can all figure out a way to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and work in a unified form as a human race. That is at least what I think I am trying to do with my own perspective of the world. It might just work for me, personally. But that's okay, because then I shall be at peace with my ever racing mind.

As an actor, person to actor, mind to actor, animal to actor, sound to actor, senses to actor, feelings to actor, I need to be able to keep this crucial aspect in mind: As an actor you create images for the audience. To stir THEIR imagination, you must be fully connected and committed to a dynamic idea through your body, mind, and spirit. You can do this by physicalizing a specific and powerful image that you initially created deep inside you through the discovery of breathing, alignment, senses, imagery, sound, and personal experience of all these things to specific physical movements. Ideas locked in the intellect and not released through the body cannot be executed in a visual sense for an audience.

Ultimately, it's all about the audience. It's not really about you. It's about you to discover it for yourself in order to portray it in a universal form that everyone would understand. In order to do this, you have to see what works for you, and what doesn't work for you. So you have to be vulnerable to try and release everything through exercise and practice. It's all about that in acting class. In acting class, that's the etiquette, to follow through with all of this. It's not about oh, do I look foolish. It's about oh, is this a way I can relate to a movement, and does this movement portray what I want it to portray?

This sort of mentality is something I must maintain in an acting class to carry out tasks appropriately and learn from them.

Adjusting to new life...

I survived through my first day of college. Barely. It was thrilling and exhausting, and now I am just spending my night trying to reflect and allow my brain to absorb it all, because it takes quite a while to do so. The faculty were all very helpful, and very mindful of letting us know what exactly we were getting into here: the theater business. Yes, yes everyone knows how hard the theater business is. As one of my acting professors said: "okay, if you chose this major, you are either striving for being a good actor, which might get you jobs...or be a phenomenal actor...which will assure you a job". At least they were being realistic. But another part of realism here in this field: connections. It's all about networking. And I mean it when I say people get jobs because of it.

It's my turn, as a performer, to try to get discovered. Right now, I am taking it step by step. In my near future, my best hopes is to be discovered in the next two auditions at my college, upon which basically is a reassessment of what I did for them in the spring. They were open to us in explaining all that they do, now it's our turn to sort of return a gift...our vulnerability as performers.

Today was my first acting class, which was basically a Wagner acting information session, but we did a "silent" exercise to remind us of the way we must be keen to our inner voice along with discipline and focus. For the first time since I got there, I was able to be a person around the freshman class and the faculty, instead of feeling like fresh new meat at college. When everyone stood up when we were told to release our loudest sound to express what we were feeling during the silence, I honestly did not want to scream to the top of my lungs like everyone else did. It was gonna be more like a sigh than a foghorn...but that's just me.

I have learned that it is quite the challenge being in a conservatory along with a normal college campus life. Because, yes, we do get to do all the fun campus things, and have homework like everyone else, but we have to remember we are here to be performers, and it's a balancing and neutralizing sort of process we have to master to create an environment for ourselves. Something to think about.

Jumping for Joy

No Day But Today....


I feel the future laying in my hands right now. And it feels uncomfortably wonderful.

Wagner College, here I come. I am here, and I love it.

Being Alive.

I am a lot more hopeful now that I just realized how much I am going to grow in this program. I think I have grown old enough to now be extremely conscious of my own progression, and that is the reason why it has become so exciting as an incoming freshman in college.

But I know that college was not my first step to progression. No, it was the first time I stepped into preschool, into speech therapy, a resource room, a sanctuary, a choir room, a dance studio, and stepped into my own, personal shoes.

It is now that I know why I am in my shoes, and I know where I want to take them. It feels horribly wonderful, but as we have been told, God saw what he had created, and he knew it was good.

Never doubt yourself. Everyone is capable of having a good life. If I live by any kind of philosophy, that is certainly one of them.

I know who I am. And now all I have to do is learn to express it through art.

Today I jumped for joy, in the most literal sense of the expression.

Right time at the right place.

It's true. This statement I believe goes for a lot of successful people in the arts. It's really the extra "kick" that jump starts a career...the extra kick after you prove your own passion, dedication, drive, and development. This may sound obvious to some people, but since I am oriented to be expressive, I need to express the obvious, in order to believe it myself.

Sometimes, this statement portrays a different kind of success. I have experienced it several times already. In my life, I have met people that have transformed my perspective tremendously. And I realized the reason I was attracted to them in the first place was because I was insightful enough to see what I liked in that person, and usually what I like about the person, is what I need at the time. There have been plenty of times where I have felt personally lost, empty, and unfulfilled. And usually it is because of my own flaws and disappointments I bring onto myself. A lot of it for me is very internal, so sometimes it's hard for others to help me because they have no friggin' idea what's going on. And my challenge throughout life is, being able to reach out for help when I need it. I am hesitant. I am meek and scared. But I have come to a time in my life where I need to override it because now my flaws may override the parts of me that need to be expressed.

This is why I like to turn to performance. Performance is one of the easiest segues for me to express what I need to, when I seem to fail to express it in reality. This is also why I'm writing; it's just another way to express that's easy for me. And perhaps I will be able to show people the way I truly am when I write, sing, dance, act, write music, draw....any creative segue helps me. It's my best therapy.

Sometimes fate is nice to me, and helps me be in the right place at the right time to receive what I desire and attempt to reach out for when I don't have the strength to. To reach out, for me personally, is a fine, fine line. The best analogy to describe the resistance that keeps me from reaching out is to imagine a summer day, close to 75 degrees, you are right by a pool, about to get completely wet. You can't help yourself, but feel the water before you jump all the way in. You need to get a sense of what you're getting into before it happens. I feel the water, and I think 'okay, it is a bit cool, but once I just jump into it I know I'll get used to it eventually'. Eventually is the word that scares me. I get on the diving board, because I know I like to dive, thinking it may help me. It's that fine, fine line of taking that very first jump into the unknown before you can continuously dive, leap, cannon ball, splash joyously into a place you feel for and fit into.

It will probably feel like a fine, fine line for a while. But I just need to keep encountering those moments to adjust to a life that I want to lead.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get

until you open the goddamn box and taste...for the first time.

Oh another thing I just discovered....a lot of my anxiety has only to do with my perception. Not anybody else's. My perception needs to be a bit more relaxed and less paranoid. And I will be able to enjoy life a lot more.

Singin' In The Rain

So, as of this summer, 2009, I was blessed by my devoted parents who drove me endlessly to rehearsals that were an hour away to be a part one of the most loving casts I will probably ever know. One very important thing that has happened to me through this journey is just well...learning people skills. I've learned how to appreciate people more for what they are, and encounter new kinds of people outside my comfort zone. And one of the most important lessons you will ever learn about people: you have to give a little to get a little. That goes for any form of relationship. I knew that before, but it is truly learned with experience.

Even when I was in choir, long, tedious rehearsals were never something that you'd find me complaining about. It was always a constant learning experience. How to show people who you truly are backstage, is my biggest challenge. Despite my natural tendency to let others talk, I had to be conscious of expressing enough of myself to show people what I can be. There's no question; it has to be done. And when you risk and you give, you learn about other people. I tell you, it is so interesting to learn about other people's backgrounds, because everyone comes from a totally different experiences, especially since I was one of the only cast members to live as far away as I do from the theater. I will probably associate this show with these gracious, tender people for a while after this show ends. That's what keeps me from post-show depression: I just have to remind myself of all the memories and growth that I will always have with me because of what happened in the past. And I shall embrace it for all it's worth. I like to embrace my past for all it's worth, for it will only help me in the future. Oh and the near future is telling me that I'm going to be in college in two weeks....HUH??!??!?!

Tonight was our seventh show out of our ten, and this time I made sure I was able to watch most of the choreography. And I am astounded by the dancers' talents, which I can appreciate so much more when I visualize myself attempting to do it on the stage in a semi-professional production such as Plays in the Park. Watching the leads' feet move in the wonderful and intricate tap dancing numbers amazed me again like I saw it for the first time, but what makes it different is that I was able to scrutinize over every little step that they did, so then I could try to mimic it backstage; just to see if I was capable of at least imitating it. I found myself taking on the role of a swinger, trying to see if I am capable of doing a little bit of every part. Quite the challenge, and quite the fun time.

But what always captures me the most on the stage above all dancing and singing, is the strong emotion captured in between the lines, or should I say, in between the feet. The magical grin or eyes that say "I'm here, and I love it" in the truest meaning of the phrase. That's what I try to say with my face every night. And so I say, "come on with the rain, I've a smile on my face".

Who's in charge?

Okay, so here I am. My name is Jaime. And I am eighteen years of age. I have brown eyes, thick brown curly hair, and apparently, from what I have heard snippets of throughout my life, I am "exotic" looking.

So I am going to start off with why I am creating a blog. It will probably be one of the best ways for me to express who I truly am and not worry about judgements. I will be able to laugh when I need to, cry when I need to, release when I need to. I chose the title "who's in charge" because that question sort of, well, sums up the state that I am in and will be in for the next couple of months...years even. I will be asking myself to sink into the deepest parts of my soul, to inherit control over my own life. And my choices.

My other form of releasing emotion besides this blog would have to be, raw expression. The performer within me comes out. I am a performer, yes, but that doesn't only categorize what career I have chosen to pursue recently, it categorizes my human behavior. When I am alone and need to express something, I sing one of those broadway solos that I find endearing, and parallel my own life in some way, to sing. I find the most beautiful song that is stuck in my mind at that moment, to dance to. I find ways to express, and I always will have that. Whether or not I do go into this field.

I told my dad today that I can see myself as a starving artist. It would mean having a lot less monetary responsibility, which I am quite fancying right now. (yes, I did just use some British slang). He said "yeah, well you can suffer better", and I thought about it, let myself process it, before I replied, "well, I might like to suffer differently".

I will like to end with a quote that I will try to live by:

"Perhaps it's not about destiny, it's about what's real"