overcompensation cont.

And the other day, after breaking down in acting out of mere frustration that has been building up, I went to my room and just RELEASED tension I have felt for months, years. I kept repeating things like

"I can't go on like this. Feeling this way."

"I can, I know I can, but I can't"

" I can't even say the word that I'm afraid of "

I really couldn't say the word that I am so afraid of. And that is self-conscious. I don't want to admit that I am that word. Because it has haunted me for far too long. It's something I tend to be that I wish was not a part of me.

Like hating your brown eyes so thinking of getting blue contacts to hide it, cover it up, conceal it from the rest of the world. Disguising like crazy.

But hey, I suppose a lot of people can feel all these feelings too. I don't know. I haven't let myself discover people enough i suppose. But, i just don't want to be judged. And, I want to understand people on deep levels. I want to have support. i just need to follow my advice, and be who I am, and not expect anything. When i think that, I am a lot happier.