Right time at the right place.

It's true. This statement I believe goes for a lot of successful people in the arts. It's really the extra "kick" that jump starts a career...the extra kick after you prove your own passion, dedication, drive, and development. This may sound obvious to some people, but since I am oriented to be expressive, I need to express the obvious, in order to believe it myself.

Sometimes, this statement portrays a different kind of success. I have experienced it several times already. In my life, I have met people that have transformed my perspective tremendously. And I realized the reason I was attracted to them in the first place was because I was insightful enough to see what I liked in that person, and usually what I like about the person, is what I need at the time. There have been plenty of times where I have felt personally lost, empty, and unfulfilled. And usually it is because of my own flaws and disappointments I bring onto myself. A lot of it for me is very internal, so sometimes it's hard for others to help me because they have no friggin' idea what's going on. And my challenge throughout life is, being able to reach out for help when I need it. I am hesitant. I am meek and scared. But I have come to a time in my life where I need to override it because now my flaws may override the parts of me that need to be expressed.

This is why I like to turn to performance. Performance is one of the easiest segues for me to express what I need to, when I seem to fail to express it in reality. This is also why I'm writing; it's just another way to express that's easy for me. And perhaps I will be able to show people the way I truly am when I write, sing, dance, act, write music, draw....any creative segue helps me. It's my best therapy.

Sometimes fate is nice to me, and helps me be in the right place at the right time to receive what I desire and attempt to reach out for when I don't have the strength to. To reach out, for me personally, is a fine, fine line. The best analogy to describe the resistance that keeps me from reaching out is to imagine a summer day, close to 75 degrees, you are right by a pool, about to get completely wet. You can't help yourself, but feel the water before you jump all the way in. You need to get a sense of what you're getting into before it happens. I feel the water, and I think 'okay, it is a bit cool, but once I just jump into it I know I'll get used to it eventually'. Eventually is the word that scares me. I get on the diving board, because I know I like to dive, thinking it may help me. It's that fine, fine line of taking that very first jump into the unknown before you can continuously dive, leap, cannon ball, splash joyously into a place you feel for and fit into.

It will probably feel like a fine, fine line for a while. But I just need to keep encountering those moments to adjust to a life that I want to lead.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get

until you open the goddamn box and taste...for the first time.

Oh another thing I just discovered....a lot of my anxiety has only to do with my perception. Not anybody else's. My perception needs to be a bit more relaxed and less paranoid. And I will be able to enjoy life a lot more.