Adjusting to new life...

I survived through my first day of college. Barely. It was thrilling and exhausting, and now I am just spending my night trying to reflect and allow my brain to absorb it all, because it takes quite a while to do so. The faculty were all very helpful, and very mindful of letting us know what exactly we were getting into here: the theater business. Yes, yes everyone knows how hard the theater business is. As one of my acting professors said: "okay, if you chose this major, you are either striving for being a good actor, which might get you jobs...or be a phenomenal actor...which will assure you a job". At least they were being realistic. But another part of realism here in this field: connections. It's all about networking. And I mean it when I say people get jobs because of it.

It's my turn, as a performer, to try to get discovered. Right now, I am taking it step by step. In my near future, my best hopes is to be discovered in the next two auditions at my college, upon which basically is a reassessment of what I did for them in the spring. They were open to us in explaining all that they do, now it's our turn to sort of return a gift...our vulnerability as performers.

Today was my first acting class, which was basically a Wagner acting information session, but we did a "silent" exercise to remind us of the way we must be keen to our inner voice along with discipline and focus. For the first time since I got there, I was able to be a person around the freshman class and the faculty, instead of feeling like fresh new meat at college. When everyone stood up when we were told to release our loudest sound to express what we were feeling during the silence, I honestly did not want to scream to the top of my lungs like everyone else did. It was gonna be more like a sigh than a foghorn...but that's just me.

I have learned that it is quite the challenge being in a conservatory along with a normal college campus life. Because, yes, we do get to do all the fun campus things, and have homework like everyone else, but we have to remember we are here to be performers, and it's a balancing and neutralizing sort of process we have to master to create an environment for ourselves. Something to think about.

Jumping for Joy

No Day But Today....


I feel the future laying in my hands right now. And it feels uncomfortably wonderful.

Wagner College, here I come. I am here, and I love it.

Being Alive.

I am a lot more hopeful now that I just realized how much I am going to grow in this program. I think I have grown old enough to now be extremely conscious of my own progression, and that is the reason why it has become so exciting as an incoming freshman in college.

But I know that college was not my first step to progression. No, it was the first time I stepped into preschool, into speech therapy, a resource room, a sanctuary, a choir room, a dance studio, and stepped into my own, personal shoes.

It is now that I know why I am in my shoes, and I know where I want to take them. It feels horribly wonderful, but as we have been told, God saw what he had created, and he knew it was good.

Never doubt yourself. Everyone is capable of having a good life. If I live by any kind of philosophy, that is certainly one of them.

I know who I am. And now all I have to do is learn to express it through art.

Today I jumped for joy, in the most literal sense of the expression.

Right time at the right place.

It's true. This statement I believe goes for a lot of successful people in the arts. It's really the extra "kick" that jump starts a career...the extra kick after you prove your own passion, dedication, drive, and development. This may sound obvious to some people, but since I am oriented to be expressive, I need to express the obvious, in order to believe it myself.

Sometimes, this statement portrays a different kind of success. I have experienced it several times already. In my life, I have met people that have transformed my perspective tremendously. And I realized the reason I was attracted to them in the first place was because I was insightful enough to see what I liked in that person, and usually what I like about the person, is what I need at the time. There have been plenty of times where I have felt personally lost, empty, and unfulfilled. And usually it is because of my own flaws and disappointments I bring onto myself. A lot of it for me is very internal, so sometimes it's hard for others to help me because they have no friggin' idea what's going on. And my challenge throughout life is, being able to reach out for help when I need it. I am hesitant. I am meek and scared. But I have come to a time in my life where I need to override it because now my flaws may override the parts of me that need to be expressed.

This is why I like to turn to performance. Performance is one of the easiest segues for me to express what I need to, when I seem to fail to express it in reality. This is also why I'm writing; it's just another way to express that's easy for me. And perhaps I will be able to show people the way I truly am when I write, sing, dance, act, write music, draw....any creative segue helps me. It's my best therapy.

Sometimes fate is nice to me, and helps me be in the right place at the right time to receive what I desire and attempt to reach out for when I don't have the strength to. To reach out, for me personally, is a fine, fine line. The best analogy to describe the resistance that keeps me from reaching out is to imagine a summer day, close to 75 degrees, you are right by a pool, about to get completely wet. You can't help yourself, but feel the water before you jump all the way in. You need to get a sense of what you're getting into before it happens. I feel the water, and I think 'okay, it is a bit cool, but once I just jump into it I know I'll get used to it eventually'. Eventually is the word that scares me. I get on the diving board, because I know I like to dive, thinking it may help me. It's that fine, fine line of taking that very first jump into the unknown before you can continuously dive, leap, cannon ball, splash joyously into a place you feel for and fit into.

It will probably feel like a fine, fine line for a while. But I just need to keep encountering those moments to adjust to a life that I want to lead.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get

until you open the goddamn box and taste...for the first time.

Oh another thing I just discovered....a lot of my anxiety has only to do with my perception. Not anybody else's. My perception needs to be a bit more relaxed and less paranoid. And I will be able to enjoy life a lot more.

Singin' In The Rain

So, as of this summer, 2009, I was blessed by my devoted parents who drove me endlessly to rehearsals that were an hour away to be a part one of the most loving casts I will probably ever know. One very important thing that has happened to me through this journey is just well...learning people skills. I've learned how to appreciate people more for what they are, and encounter new kinds of people outside my comfort zone. And one of the most important lessons you will ever learn about people: you have to give a little to get a little. That goes for any form of relationship. I knew that before, but it is truly learned with experience.

Even when I was in choir, long, tedious rehearsals were never something that you'd find me complaining about. It was always a constant learning experience. How to show people who you truly are backstage, is my biggest challenge. Despite my natural tendency to let others talk, I had to be conscious of expressing enough of myself to show people what I can be. There's no question; it has to be done. And when you risk and you give, you learn about other people. I tell you, it is so interesting to learn about other people's backgrounds, because everyone comes from a totally different experiences, especially since I was one of the only cast members to live as far away as I do from the theater. I will probably associate this show with these gracious, tender people for a while after this show ends. That's what keeps me from post-show depression: I just have to remind myself of all the memories and growth that I will always have with me because of what happened in the past. And I shall embrace it for all it's worth. I like to embrace my past for all it's worth, for it will only help me in the future. Oh and the near future is telling me that I'm going to be in college in two weeks....HUH??!??!?!

Tonight was our seventh show out of our ten, and this time I made sure I was able to watch most of the choreography. And I am astounded by the dancers' talents, which I can appreciate so much more when I visualize myself attempting to do it on the stage in a semi-professional production such as Plays in the Park. Watching the leads' feet move in the wonderful and intricate tap dancing numbers amazed me again like I saw it for the first time, but what makes it different is that I was able to scrutinize over every little step that they did, so then I could try to mimic it backstage; just to see if I was capable of at least imitating it. I found myself taking on the role of a swinger, trying to see if I am capable of doing a little bit of every part. Quite the challenge, and quite the fun time.

But what always captures me the most on the stage above all dancing and singing, is the strong emotion captured in between the lines, or should I say, in between the feet. The magical grin or eyes that say "I'm here, and I love it" in the truest meaning of the phrase. That's what I try to say with my face every night. And so I say, "come on with the rain, I've a smile on my face".

Who's in charge?

Okay, so here I am. My name is Jaime. And I am eighteen years of age. I have brown eyes, thick brown curly hair, and apparently, from what I have heard snippets of throughout my life, I am "exotic" looking.

So I am going to start off with why I am creating a blog. It will probably be one of the best ways for me to express who I truly am and not worry about judgements. I will be able to laugh when I need to, cry when I need to, release when I need to. I chose the title "who's in charge" because that question sort of, well, sums up the state that I am in and will be in for the next couple of months...years even. I will be asking myself to sink into the deepest parts of my soul, to inherit control over my own life. And my choices.

My other form of releasing emotion besides this blog would have to be, raw expression. The performer within me comes out. I am a performer, yes, but that doesn't only categorize what career I have chosen to pursue recently, it categorizes my human behavior. When I am alone and need to express something, I sing one of those broadway solos that I find endearing, and parallel my own life in some way, to sing. I find the most beautiful song that is stuck in my mind at that moment, to dance to. I find ways to express, and I always will have that. Whether or not I do go into this field.

I told my dad today that I can see myself as a starving artist. It would mean having a lot less monetary responsibility, which I am quite fancying right now. (yes, I did just use some British slang). He said "yeah, well you can suffer better", and I thought about it, let myself process it, before I replied, "well, I might like to suffer differently".

I will like to end with a quote that I will try to live by:

"Perhaps it's not about destiny, it's about what's real"