My Constructive New Year Resolutions...

In 2009, I realized this:

- Listen to yourself, don't be manipulated by others.

-Trust your instincts, and let yourself be you.

-Don't dwell; be constructive.

- It's never too late to change.

- Grow and attain everything you can.

- Learn from your mistakes.

- Become the person your heart tells you to be.

- Never give up.

- Let yourself feel in front of others. That's what really creates the friendships.

- Be more aware of things around you, and what's going on.

You may make an ass of yourself while trying, but at least you're one step closer to finding happiness.

Bad Habits...

I don't need to feel that I need to prove something to anybody. I just need to feel like myself, and find out how to do that is the most challenging part.

That's generally what I have been telling myself for a while. It just may take a while to kick in, because I'm trying to break a life time of bad habits.

I may have to do something crazy to become truly happy.

I didn't know who I was until now...I shun it away.

So, looking around the peers I had who share the same artistic interests as me, was a great, but hurtful day.

I wish I could have shown these people how much more friendship I wanted, and didn't work for at all this semester. In that respect, I have failed. But I have learned so much about myself.

I need to know how to show my true feelings towards people, and not think that I am protecting myself from hiding anything. That goes for every person in my entire life. And I saw that through some certain people around me who inspire me to release this god forsaken shell that has prevented so many new friendships for me. I regret a lot in that respect, but I have learned a lot about myself, and the true self that wants to shine out of me.

A letter to myself.

Dear Jaime,

Think of it this way, at least most of your wake-up calls about being "who you are" occurred the first semester of freshman year. The beginning of your semester was very similar to your singing audition today; you were perfectly calm, just waiting to do your thing, like most people. Then you go, and you realize you make one fluke of a mistake, and your whole world falls apart, and you regret ever living that day. You started out freshman year believing in yourself, making plans to make a lot of friends, but then you just got lost. Like most new things, you get lost. Why? Well, I guess it all comes down to just being yourself. No one on this entire campus knows who you truly are. You didn't let that happen for yourself. You were so worried and self-conscious about yourself the entire semester, that you let worries get the best out of you, and boy do you take things seriously, and that's half because you value friendship and warmth and support a lot. Who doesn't want that? Now, I understand that it was challenging considering you are not the type of person to trust, you are scared of judgements, so much that you protect yourself constantly but staying in your little shell, and nobody knows you. Nobody. And who do you spend time with? Random people you catch to spend time with, tag a long for a bit, than get lost again in space and time. What do you do to make yourself feel better? You do this: you write about yourself and hope that this will at least be for the better. You would not have been so depressed about myself, if you didn't hold back. What have you been doing your entire life? Holding back. What has it caused you to do? Hold back, even when you WANT to reach out. Yup. And now, you don't even know who your true companions are, because you didn't learn to trust anyone, and so nobody has trusted you. And now you feel empty. You feel kind of pathetic, because of how socially inept you have become, partly because you know it didn't have to be that way. And this audition, right....about that, it honestly wasn't that bad, but you know it didn't have to be like that. You practiced and practiced, and overlooked one little thing, finding your note in the beginning, that one little fluke that threw you off the whole damn song because you were so busy over-thinking the mistake. You HAVE to let mistakes go, and just learn from them. Okay, so as of now, making a first good impression isn't your forte, because first encounters are you weakest point in life. From all of these experiences, I have one thing to say to you. Keep being as diligent as you are, but stop over-thinking. Don't overanalyze every second of your life, it wasn't meant to be. That will stop half the problem. The next part of the problem, is just BE YOURSELF, don't try to live up to expectations of people. Don't try to become somebody your not, listen to your impulses and instincts. Listen to yourself more, and love yourself more. You know who you can be because you feel it inside you every day, but it never shows. Now, it might be a little challenging to reach out and become who you want to be, but at least you have learned a life lesson. Please work on it, no, that's the wrong word, just relax and listen to your instincts. Or you will always be lost in this convoluted world. Accept your weaknesses, let them pass, and thrive more in your strengths, and let them show, don't be modest, because that only looks like weakness. Feel, don't think. God damnit, let yourself feel. You know you want it in your subconscious, and your letting those inner demons get to you. Put those aside. Life is not worth living unless you become who you truly are. You will love life so much more. You feel better now though, don't you? This may be a process, because you will fall back into your bad habits. But from now on, make a vow that you will stay conscious about only one thing: being yourself. Feel. Trust your instincts and impulses. Love life more. Don't over-think. That's all life is worth living for. You will feel less empty. A lot less empty. Don't forget this voice. This is an important voice that you have stored away for far too long. You know your potential, so let it be. That's the only way you can make it in this business anyway. Until you find that, you can't go forward. You will always stay in one place. And your too good for that, and you know you won't be satisfied. Breathe, enjoy life the way you want to. Please. Every day, from now on.

Okay, time to put this into action now.

overcompensation cont.

And the other day, after breaking down in acting out of mere frustration that has been building up, I went to my room and just RELEASED tension I have felt for months, years. I kept repeating things like

"I can't go on like this. Feeling this way."

"I can, I know I can, but I can't"

" I can't even say the word that I'm afraid of "

I really couldn't say the word that I am so afraid of. And that is self-conscious. I don't want to admit that I am that word. Because it has haunted me for far too long. It's something I tend to be that I wish was not a part of me.

Like hating your brown eyes so thinking of getting blue contacts to hide it, cover it up, conceal it from the rest of the world. Disguising like crazy.

But hey, I suppose a lot of people can feel all these feelings too. I don't know. I haven't let myself discover people enough i suppose. But, i just don't want to be judged. And, I want to understand people on deep levels. I want to have support. i just need to follow my advice, and be who I am, and not expect anything. When i think that, I am a lot happier.

Overcompensation

overcompensation: to react to a real or imagined physical or psychological defect with a conscious or unconscious exaggerated drive to compensate for it...sounds a lot like me

I feel that I have made that so much a part of me, that I can't even be what I want to be.

I guess the craft of acting can certainly be taken over into reality for my own good, I need to get out of my head, and just let myself sense and FEEL things spontaneously so I can just LET GO and let people in.

I want to let people in, I just don't know how. But the problem is, that I realized, is that I can't really accept myself, so I am not letting others accept me.

I can't accept my flaws sometimes, and then I over-analyze them and try to compensate for them, and then I can't be vulnerable about them in front of anyone, because it is way too frightening. I am completely terrified of being judged, especially being a newbie at a school with people who all don't know me truly enough.

But I can't go on living life like this. I can't go on without having good friendships. And sometimes my perception is off. I have tons of peers who are kind and like me for who I am, but I just can't learn to approach them, and since I feel I can't be accepted, they don't think I want to be accepted.

And then I over-analyze that, and become so overwhelmed with my struggles that I simply give up. And then feel completely empty inside.

Like I can't find anyone to be with, I can't find any support. I realized how much I need support. Really. But I learn from my mistakes and my efforts to over-compensate for myself all the time, I need to accept my flaws and accept my mistakes, and get out of my head, and just feel. I'm good at feeling, I feel things all the time. Deeply and powerfully. I am completely ready to dive that energy into my craft, and hopefully let it happen in my social life as well, or I won't find what I want.

I feel better now that I have realized the problem. And my entire perception of life is altered from one second to the next. Sometimes my conscious just loves to overpower my sub-conscious. I have to stop over-compensating for myself, protecting myself constantly, because now it is ironically worsening my self-esteem and feelings of vulnerability.

I've always over-compensated in school, and now I'm learning to over-compensate to hide my flaws, which is my slow mind, and my feelings and thoughts, that sometimes seem so different from people around me, which is why I keep them inside all the time. That sounded so cheesy. But that's my fear: of looking cheesy. I need to accept that my true feelings make me who I am, and I would be a lot happier and satisfied with myself if I let my cheesiness or whatever you want to call it fall where they may.

And I over-analyze everything about my thoughts and feelings. Because I take judgments of those thoughts and feelings to heart more than I should. Too sensitive and terribly frightened of being hurt by others. It's hard for me not to care about what others think, especially if I have some kind of respect for them. But as Dr. Seuss says, be who you are, because the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.

By God that is all I can do, that is all any of us ever can do. I want to love, I want to let myself feel things, and not hide it anymore. That's why I need to let go of my protective shield, and break through the window where I can see the sun that I've been longing to feel against my cheek.

I know, I just made this entry really figurative. I like to use figurative language sometimes.

The thing is, today I had a breakdown about this, in the middle of a rehearsal. A breakdown, the same day that I was completely overwhelmed with trying to work out my registering for classes and tons and tons of work that I was trying so hard to have under control. Do these instances have any connection? Overcompensation plus overcompensation? Trying to be in control of everything that my screw me up and afraid to see how far it would screw me up since I can make mistakes a lot easier than most average people? Yes, this is the answer of why. I feel that I have a right to feel this way. The only thing is I let it affect me like crazy. Like, it affects my confidence level to communicate to anyone about anything. Even trying to be friendly. Why do I think being friendly is awkward? Because I feel vulnerable? Yes, afraid that I will have nothing good to say, afraid of looking like a lonesome freak if I say hi, appearing a way I don’t want to appear in front of people. And overcompensate myself to solve those problems, in which case doesn’t solve them, avoids the problems. I need to just let them be up front to people, and people will start accepting me more. If I don’t let people in, they won’t let me in. And it shouldn’t feel like am obligation to let people in like it has, I should just let myself simply be, and expect nothing. This is what I have therapeutically told myself.

Health tip of the day: structuring of yourself

So, at least when I look back on this journal, I completely agree with everything I said.

So I am making some progress on myself here. I am at least formulating ideas independently from other people's opinions and perspectives. I mean, of course it is based off of others actions I have witnessed, but the thoughts put down are all formulated through my own head.

Some self-structuring...some self-discovery is healthy for everyone.