overcompensation cont.

And the other day, after breaking down in acting out of mere frustration that has been building up, I went to my room and just RELEASED tension I have felt for months, years. I kept repeating things like

"I can't go on like this. Feeling this way."

"I can, I know I can, but I can't"

" I can't even say the word that I'm afraid of "

I really couldn't say the word that I am so afraid of. And that is self-conscious. I don't want to admit that I am that word. Because it has haunted me for far too long. It's something I tend to be that I wish was not a part of me.

Like hating your brown eyes so thinking of getting blue contacts to hide it, cover it up, conceal it from the rest of the world. Disguising like crazy.

But hey, I suppose a lot of people can feel all these feelings too. I don't know. I haven't let myself discover people enough i suppose. But, i just don't want to be judged. And, I want to understand people on deep levels. I want to have support. i just need to follow my advice, and be who I am, and not expect anything. When i think that, I am a lot happier.

Overcompensation

overcompensation: to react to a real or imagined physical or psychological defect with a conscious or unconscious exaggerated drive to compensate for it...sounds a lot like me

I feel that I have made that so much a part of me, that I can't even be what I want to be.

I guess the craft of acting can certainly be taken over into reality for my own good, I need to get out of my head, and just let myself sense and FEEL things spontaneously so I can just LET GO and let people in.

I want to let people in, I just don't know how. But the problem is, that I realized, is that I can't really accept myself, so I am not letting others accept me.

I can't accept my flaws sometimes, and then I over-analyze them and try to compensate for them, and then I can't be vulnerable about them in front of anyone, because it is way too frightening. I am completely terrified of being judged, especially being a newbie at a school with people who all don't know me truly enough.

But I can't go on living life like this. I can't go on without having good friendships. And sometimes my perception is off. I have tons of peers who are kind and like me for who I am, but I just can't learn to approach them, and since I feel I can't be accepted, they don't think I want to be accepted.

And then I over-analyze that, and become so overwhelmed with my struggles that I simply give up. And then feel completely empty inside.

Like I can't find anyone to be with, I can't find any support. I realized how much I need support. Really. But I learn from my mistakes and my efforts to over-compensate for myself all the time, I need to accept my flaws and accept my mistakes, and get out of my head, and just feel. I'm good at feeling, I feel things all the time. Deeply and powerfully. I am completely ready to dive that energy into my craft, and hopefully let it happen in my social life as well, or I won't find what I want.

I feel better now that I have realized the problem. And my entire perception of life is altered from one second to the next. Sometimes my conscious just loves to overpower my sub-conscious. I have to stop over-compensating for myself, protecting myself constantly, because now it is ironically worsening my self-esteem and feelings of vulnerability.

I've always over-compensated in school, and now I'm learning to over-compensate to hide my flaws, which is my slow mind, and my feelings and thoughts, that sometimes seem so different from people around me, which is why I keep them inside all the time. That sounded so cheesy. But that's my fear: of looking cheesy. I need to accept that my true feelings make me who I am, and I would be a lot happier and satisfied with myself if I let my cheesiness or whatever you want to call it fall where they may.

And I over-analyze everything about my thoughts and feelings. Because I take judgments of those thoughts and feelings to heart more than I should. Too sensitive and terribly frightened of being hurt by others. It's hard for me not to care about what others think, especially if I have some kind of respect for them. But as Dr. Seuss says, be who you are, because the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.

By God that is all I can do, that is all any of us ever can do. I want to love, I want to let myself feel things, and not hide it anymore. That's why I need to let go of my protective shield, and break through the window where I can see the sun that I've been longing to feel against my cheek.

I know, I just made this entry really figurative. I like to use figurative language sometimes.

The thing is, today I had a breakdown about this, in the middle of a rehearsal. A breakdown, the same day that I was completely overwhelmed with trying to work out my registering for classes and tons and tons of work that I was trying so hard to have under control. Do these instances have any connection? Overcompensation plus overcompensation? Trying to be in control of everything that my screw me up and afraid to see how far it would screw me up since I can make mistakes a lot easier than most average people? Yes, this is the answer of why. I feel that I have a right to feel this way. The only thing is I let it affect me like crazy. Like, it affects my confidence level to communicate to anyone about anything. Even trying to be friendly. Why do I think being friendly is awkward? Because I feel vulnerable? Yes, afraid that I will have nothing good to say, afraid of looking like a lonesome freak if I say hi, appearing a way I don’t want to appear in front of people. And overcompensate myself to solve those problems, in which case doesn’t solve them, avoids the problems. I need to just let them be up front to people, and people will start accepting me more. If I don’t let people in, they won’t let me in. And it shouldn’t feel like am obligation to let people in like it has, I should just let myself simply be, and expect nothing. This is what I have therapeutically told myself.

Health tip of the day: structuring of yourself

So, at least when I look back on this journal, I completely agree with everything I said.

So I am making some progress on myself here. I am at least formulating ideas independently from other people's opinions and perspectives. I mean, of course it is based off of others actions I have witnessed, but the thoughts put down are all formulated through my own head.

Some self-structuring...some self-discovery is healthy for everyone.

Life is all about perception.

So I just realized something:

People's way of determining another person's personality is solely based only on the way that other person acts in comparison to their own personality. And if they have a strong one that persists on being agreed with, you can't really be that insightful on the other person's true way of thinking.

For example, someone who is really, really agitated by certain people thinks that a person who just accepts, is just careless. And that's their entire perception of that person.

When that could be completely wrong or just the tip of the iceberg.

Everyone is persuaded by their perceptions. Feelings can lie to you, until you can really put yourself in someone else's shoes and become insightful on that person's true self. One of the hardest things for human beings. At least in my experience.

Except for those who are paid to do it.

Every human being has layers. As an actor, I try to discover all those layers and portray it in the color of my voice and the effort of my movement.

I was told that in order for people not to persecute me or create mockery of me because of my actions, I know now that I need not get too defensive as a way of protecting myself.

And I also need not shut down to protect myself. I should practice being comfortable just being who I am.

What helps me the most is just looking at the other person's perspective, and thinking, well yes, since they do not know me that well, they don't know my strengths and weaknesses as a person, and so they are just naturally reacting to what I appear to be from the outside.

That's what bugs me a lot. How I always feel like I have to keep proving myself to people since they don't know me that well, but I guess I am going to have to get used to that because that's what the theater business is all about; constantly proving yourself worthy of others' attention.

But there is a difference between that in the professional world and just in the social world. I mean more of the social world.

A lot of people are very, very judgmental sometimes. And I am not at all. Really, I'm not compared to what I hear about others all the time. It's just not my choice to point out people's flaws unless they are directly affecting me negatively. And this causes me not to trust people right away, if I see that they talk about other people like that with me. And that's partially what will hold me back. And so I act differently around different people. All basically because I mold to the person I am with, and bring out a side of me that would complement their personality.

But should I always feel like a mold to everyone else?

I think I need to find a balance. Yes, balance is my word. Balance to me is where I should always aim for, because it is satisfying and healthy to balance. I need to find a balance between what I want to express, and what I should say to improve my surroundings instead of myself. But, I mean, everyone has to do that at some point or another; we all are restricted by our society's customs and ways of thinking what is appropriate and what is not.

My acting professor said that our society is against a lot of public displays of emotion, and that is one reason why we create so much tension within our bodies. And it's true, I think. We don't find ways to release and without releasing tension, naturally, our bodies need to find at least some way to shake it off or the body will suffer.

And that is the primary reason why I record in this journal, because I need to release what is going on in my mind onto a real, concrete substance so that I know that what I'm thinking in my head makes at least some sense in the reality of my life instead of just in my head.

Basically this weekend, I learned that I need to be less defensive, and rather offensive I guess; apologize when you have to for yourself, explain yourself when need be, and express yourself when need be as well. And not get too sensitive about something that in the opposite person's perspective was just a fluke of human nature. Because they probably won't ever think twice about what the say anyway. Me, on the other hand, always conscious of what words I spew out.

And when I'm not, I risk the factor of looking foolish, which is sometimes not too bad of a position to be in sometimes, because then you show people that you are not afraid to be vulnerable. I like people like that.

Everyone has their flaws which make them insecure in our public part of our society. No one likes to be judged, and everyone who does judge is only insecure about certain things in themselves.

So...a bit of advice...BUST THE FLOOR- NEVER LOOK BACK. Because the people who matter don't mind.

Who Will Love Me As I Am?

Like a fish plucked from the ocean

Tossed into a foreign stream

Always knew that I was different

Often fled into a dream

I ignored the raging current

Right against the tide I swam

But I floated with the question

Who will love me as I am?

Like an odd exotic creature

On display inside a zoo

Hearing children asking questions

Makes me ask some questions too

Could we bend the laws of nature?

Could a lion love a lamb?

Who could see beyond this surface?

Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?

Send me flowers or a telegram?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

Like a clown whose tears cause laughter

Trapped inside the center ring

Even seeing smiling faces

I am lonely pondering

Who would want to join this madness?

Who would change my monogram?

Who will be part of my circus?

Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?

Send me flowers or a telegram?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

Who could proudly stand beside me?

Who will love me as I am?

That Fine Line

You know how I wrote that I could feel my future ahead of me?

Well, I can. I can feel it. It's gray though.

You know why?

heh....that fundamental question right? why....

It's because I can't cross that fine line, between living in the false or living in the TRUTH.

I need to just let myself live in MY TRUTH.

Why...again...can't I do that?

Because...all my life...I've chosen to be safe, and live in the false. But now I want the truth.

I need it to become the person inside me.

And the reason I'm not is because I was scared by society.