I was told that in order for people not to persecute me or create mockery of me because of my actions, I know now that I need not get too defensive as a way of protecting myself.
And I also need not shut down to protect myself. I should practice being comfortable just being who I am.
What helps me the most is just looking at the other person's perspective, and thinking, well yes, since they do not know me that well, they don't know my strengths and weaknesses as a person, and so they are just naturally reacting to what I appear to be from the outside.
That's what bugs me a lot. How I always feel like I have to keep proving myself to people since they don't know me that well, but I guess I am going to have to get used to that because that's what the theater business is all about; constantly proving yourself worthy of others' attention.
But there is a difference between that in the professional world and just in the social world. I mean more of the social world.
A lot of people are very, very judgmental sometimes. And I am not at all. Really, I'm not compared to what I hear about others all the time. It's just not my choice to point out people's flaws unless they are directly affecting me negatively. And this causes me not to trust people right away, if I see that they talk about other people like that with me. And that's partially what will hold me back. And so I act differently around different people. All basically because I mold to the person I am with, and bring out a side of me that would complement their personality.
But should I always feel like a mold to everyone else?
I think I need to find a balance. Yes, balance is my word. Balance to me is where I should always aim for, because it is satisfying and healthy to balance. I need to find a balance between what I want to express, and what I should say to improve my surroundings instead of myself. But, I mean, everyone has to do that at some point or another; we all are restricted by our society's customs and ways of thinking what is appropriate and what is not.
My acting professor said that our society is against a lot of public displays of emotion, and that is one reason why we create so much tension within our bodies. And it's true, I think. We don't find ways to release and without releasing tension, naturally, our bodies need to find at least some way to shake it off or the body will suffer.
And that is the primary reason why I record in this journal, because I need to release what is going on in my mind onto a real, concrete substance so that I know that what I'm thinking in my head makes at least some sense in the reality of my life instead of just in my head.
Basically this weekend, I learned that I need to be less defensive, and rather offensive I guess; apologize when you have to for yourself, explain yourself when need be, and express yourself when need be as well. And not get too sensitive about something that in the opposite person's perspective was just a fluke of human nature. Because they probably won't ever think twice about what the say anyway. Me, on the other hand, always conscious of what words I spew out.
And when I'm not, I risk the factor of looking foolish, which is sometimes not too bad of a position to be in sometimes, because then you show people that you are not afraid to be vulnerable. I like people like that.
Everyone has their flaws which make them insecure in our public part of our society. No one likes to be judged, and everyone who does judge is only insecure about certain things in themselves.
So...a bit of advice...BUST THE FLOOR- NEVER LOOK BACK. Because the people who matter don't mind.
