That Fine Line

You know how I wrote that I could feel my future ahead of me?

Well, I can. I can feel it. It's gray though.

You know why?

heh....that fundamental question right? why....

It's because I can't cross that fine line, between living in the false or living in the TRUTH.

I need to just let myself live in MY TRUTH.

Why...again...can't I do that?

Because...all my life...I've chosen to be safe, and live in the false. But now I want the truth.

I need it to become the person inside me.

And the reason I'm not is because I was scared by society.

ART

Art is for the things in life that are hidden from us,

that are not mentioned,

that we are in denial of,

that we are afraid of: the truth.

ART: To express those things that everybody knows, but doesn't explain.

You, Art, represent the unmentioned by

expressing the raw truths. Our raw truths. Good or bad.

At least from my perspective.

I should think of my own craft for acting as my way to analyze all the things that go on in my head, and what is the best way to express those. It is definitely self-discovery process, with the product of performance. Therapeutic development and training that evolves into art.

Connecting with another actor on the same level is also a very powerful tool. It feels overwhelmingly enlightening and surreal. Your heart races and your mind is sharp.

All the world needs now ... is confidence, sweet confidence.

Intimidation is the perception downfall of my life...

Don't let it happen to you.

In order to cleanse myself for being timid, I think about the perception of the other person, what they got from me. Enough ? or not enough?

People can't see right through, even though I think they can.

I need to learn to let people in without feeling violated or embarrassed.

Acceptance...big word to me.

You know, there are many kinds of people out in the world. Funny, sad, cynical, strange, sick, perverted, contemplative, intuitive, real, lazy, introverted, extroverted, crazy, sensitive, positive. Whatever it is, it's really not for you to change. You can guide them to a happier life for themselves, but you don't make the choices. But even so, you still have to accept things. Acceptance is a big word for me to embrace, because its about accepting what is realistic, and living in harmony with that, whether it means not being grumpy at someone who mentions something you don't like, or just asking someone if they need something extra that day. As long as you accept what's there, maybe then we can all figure out a way to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses and work in a unified form as a human race. That is at least what I think I am trying to do with my own perspective of the world. It might just work for me, personally. But that's okay, because then I shall be at peace with my ever racing mind.

As an actor, person to actor, mind to actor, animal to actor, sound to actor, senses to actor, feelings to actor, I need to be able to keep this crucial aspect in mind: As an actor you create images for the audience. To stir THEIR imagination, you must be fully connected and committed to a dynamic idea through your body, mind, and spirit. You can do this by physicalizing a specific and powerful image that you initially created deep inside you through the discovery of breathing, alignment, senses, imagery, sound, and personal experience of all these things to specific physical movements. Ideas locked in the intellect and not released through the body cannot be executed in a visual sense for an audience.

Ultimately, it's all about the audience. It's not really about you. It's about you to discover it for yourself in order to portray it in a universal form that everyone would understand. In order to do this, you have to see what works for you, and what doesn't work for you. So you have to be vulnerable to try and release everything through exercise and practice. It's all about that in acting class. In acting class, that's the etiquette, to follow through with all of this. It's not about oh, do I look foolish. It's about oh, is this a way I can relate to a movement, and does this movement portray what I want it to portray?

This sort of mentality is something I must maintain in an acting class to carry out tasks appropriately and learn from them.

Adjusting to new life...

I survived through my first day of college. Barely. It was thrilling and exhausting, and now I am just spending my night trying to reflect and allow my brain to absorb it all, because it takes quite a while to do so. The faculty were all very helpful, and very mindful of letting us know what exactly we were getting into here: the theater business. Yes, yes everyone knows how hard the theater business is. As one of my acting professors said: "okay, if you chose this major, you are either striving for being a good actor, which might get you jobs...or be a phenomenal actor...which will assure you a job". At least they were being realistic. But another part of realism here in this field: connections. It's all about networking. And I mean it when I say people get jobs because of it.

It's my turn, as a performer, to try to get discovered. Right now, I am taking it step by step. In my near future, my best hopes is to be discovered in the next two auditions at my college, upon which basically is a reassessment of what I did for them in the spring. They were open to us in explaining all that they do, now it's our turn to sort of return a gift...our vulnerability as performers.

Today was my first acting class, which was basically a Wagner acting information session, but we did a "silent" exercise to remind us of the way we must be keen to our inner voice along with discipline and focus. For the first time since I got there, I was able to be a person around the freshman class and the faculty, instead of feeling like fresh new meat at college. When everyone stood up when we were told to release our loudest sound to express what we were feeling during the silence, I honestly did not want to scream to the top of my lungs like everyone else did. It was gonna be more like a sigh than a foghorn...but that's just me.

I have learned that it is quite the challenge being in a conservatory along with a normal college campus life. Because, yes, we do get to do all the fun campus things, and have homework like everyone else, but we have to remember we are here to be performers, and it's a balancing and neutralizing sort of process we have to master to create an environment for ourselves. Something to think about.

Jumping for Joy

No Day But Today....


I feel the future laying in my hands right now. And it feels uncomfortably wonderful.

Wagner College, here I come. I am here, and I love it.

Being Alive.

I am a lot more hopeful now that I just realized how much I am going to grow in this program. I think I have grown old enough to now be extremely conscious of my own progression, and that is the reason why it has become so exciting as an incoming freshman in college.

But I know that college was not my first step to progression. No, it was the first time I stepped into preschool, into speech therapy, a resource room, a sanctuary, a choir room, a dance studio, and stepped into my own, personal shoes.

It is now that I know why I am in my shoes, and I know where I want to take them. It feels horribly wonderful, but as we have been told, God saw what he had created, and he knew it was good.

Never doubt yourself. Everyone is capable of having a good life. If I live by any kind of philosophy, that is certainly one of them.

I know who I am. And now all I have to do is learn to express it through art.

Today I jumped for joy, in the most literal sense of the expression.